Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   "Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.

   I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

   Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.

   So, is Charles still in charge or what?

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.