Baddie Funny Status Messages

   why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   Cats probably get mad that they have to pay an assassin 9 times for one job.

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.

   My boss and I will have to agree to disagree. He wants me to do stuff that will make him money. I want to do stuff that will get me drunk.

   I've been watching so much p 0rn I just spit on my car trunk's lock before I put the key in.

   I just counted 37 things at my work that I could kill my boss with.

   Funny how you can make friends with people just by liking and commenting on their Facebook posts. Then you show up unannounced in the middle of the night at their house and SUDDENLY IT'S WEIRD.

   Kim and Kanye turn to each other, nod, and smile as the baby comes out immediately crying in auto-tune.

   Nothing like seeing 30+ year old wearing a cap backwards to remind you that your life doesn’t suck that much.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   I know you were very attractive 30 years ago but that is history now.

   I managed to use the chainsaw all afternoon without killing myself. I haven't seen my wife this disappointed since our wedding night.

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.