JOser Funny Status Messages

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.

   The most tedious part of being an Afghani phone sex operator is describing what I'm wearing.

   Why's Lil Wayne still in Jail? Someone should work on breaking him out. Call T-Pain, I hear he has a boat.

   Who's the genius that gave the police sirens?

   Happiness is spelled C-A-S-H

   you shouldn't listen to other people's foolishness. You should listen to mine.

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   How many crap loads are there in a sh*t ton again? cuz that's exactly how Cleveland feels like right now...

   FACEBOOK ALERT: Lebron James is now in a relationship with Lebron James.

   I just LeBron Jamesed my pants. Is that a thing yet?

   BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.

   It feels good not to have any feelings.

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm talking to you Twi-hards & Beliebers.

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.