Baddie Funny Status Messages

   It’s a good thing cows can’t talk. Imagine them telling you at every available opportunity that they are vegans.

   G ay guys and black women win the eye rolling contest!

   I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.

   Women are from Hearts and Men are from Pen*s.

   Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.

   God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.

   It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.

   If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

   Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic