Snotty Funny Status Messages

   No matter how bad life seems, just remember,,, You can order live bees on the internet.

   *Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   *pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book

   "I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat

   Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?