Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.

   Gary Busey just kind of nonchalantly eating a tennis ball as a car salesman finishes up the paperwork... He thinks he's buying a hat.

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   My fav iPhone 6 app,,,, Is actually still just "the telephone" one

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   Ugh,, There's a SPIDER in my toilet,,, And I don't even remember eating a spider...

   It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough

   Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car... I was gonna shave my car anyway.

   *Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch