Snotty Funny Status Messages

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.

   f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out... Well, at least it tasted like a taco salad.

   Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of

   A man’s got to know his limitations....... Unless he’s in a relationship,, then he’ll be constantly reminded.

   I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. candy is 75% off.

   If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals

   Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.

   Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age