Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Kate Middleton & Prince William have finally come out with their baby & to everyone's surprise, it looks exactly like every other newborn.

   We're sorry, but this funny p0st is not available from your country.

   I've got hoes in different area codes. (Yes I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)

   It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.

   If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   Golf - Because even douchebags need fresh air too.

   Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.

   My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   Sometimes when I shower I accidentally use conditioner first, and then shampoo so spare me your problems Egypt.

   Being white has its disadvantages too, you know. It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   When I say I'm going to "woo" you, it's a reference to my love for John Woo films, so I'll be punching you & throwing doves in your face.