Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

   What do I do? My google machine just rang.

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.

   How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.

   My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   Screw it..... I'm just gonna say that these are " Mother's Day" lights now..... *lazy Christmas light owners...

   A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.

   If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

   Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.

   Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.

   If Dave has 7 snakes and Greg gives him 4 more,,, what's with these guys and all their snakes?

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...