Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

   What idiot called it lap dancing instead of organ grinding?

   You may think it's bad grammar but I assure you it's just laziness.

   I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

   Broke up with Taylor Swift. Her new song “No I Won’t Do Buttstuff With You and Your Stuffed Penguin” is NOT about me. Repeat, NOT about me.

   Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   I'm single by choice. Too bad the choice wasn't mine.

   Its so cute when you've been in a relationship long enough that you finish each other's insults.

   Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

   It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   People who get out of bed the first time the alarm rings. What's it like to be a demon?