Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   Dinners not done until the smoke detector says it is.

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.

   I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.

   Sorry, ladies, but if he has a 4" d*ck, he'll never really be that into you.

   Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.

   If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.

   You know a woman by the way she...just kidding. You can never know a woman by anything.

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won't be enough.

   Human beings used to do some crazy things before the Facebook. For example, they used to go outside and meet people.

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.