Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

   Someone in my state is wearing Axe Body Spray... ugh, I can smell it from here

   Look,,, all I'm saying is I've never seen Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner in the same room.

   “First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

   Come to think of it,,, I've never found a hair in my food at a Brazilian restaurant.

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs

   Hey,,, I know the words to all 5 songs on the radio.

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.

   Prediction: Entourage will be the 1st non 3D movie in history to have its entire audience watch in sunglasses

   Yes, autocorrect, of course I intended to type "thou."... That is a perfectly reasonable guess. It is the 1600's after all.

   Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?