Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Liverpool top of the league. Russia and US on a war footing. New Paul McCartney single. What is this, 1989?

   Having just watched Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptations, I have come to the conclusion that her sex tape is the closest she should have been allowed to acting. Damn you Tyler Perry.

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Pizza and moaned a little.

   Apparently my girlfriend has no problem putting my d*ck in her mouth but she won't let me touch her if I don't wash my hands right after I pee coz that's disgusting.

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   The most awkward conversation must have been between the guy who invented toilet paper and the first person he told about it.

   There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And single men who own cats!

   When a skinny chic asks you if you think she’s gotten fat the best response is to lift her, put her on your shoulder and throw her off a cliff.

   Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.

   If you can't be with the one you drugged, drug the one you're with.

   Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now

   If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   It doesn't matter how many times you throw up, what matters is how many times you get up, grab your glass and keep drinking.

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.

   Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.

   The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"