Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   Wait NAACP: Now you're sayin that " Once you go b!ack,,, you CAN go back?"

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Hmmmm,, Texting while driving is illegal,,, but you can go ahead and eat a burrito while putting on mascara?

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.

   We now return to PAWN STARS: How much can I get for this genuine 100 dollar bill.... The best I can do is $25..... Thinks for 5 minutes.... Deal

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.

   FUN PRANK: Purchase any item at a CVS,, and then toilet paper the whole store with your receipt...... TWICE