Snotty Funny Status Messages

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...

   Out voted 1-1 by my wife again....

   MY MOM ON HER COMPUTER: [please create a password].... MOM: 123abc... [password must be eight characters long],,, "Ummm ok".... passwordmustbeeightcharacterslong

   "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...

   In hindsight,, maybe I shouldn't have kept looking back . . .

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   *NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   Once you get to know me, you'll agree that I have the refluxes of a cat...."...you mean REFLEX? "... *I cough up hairball on the floor & run away

   Enters gynecologist's exam room wearing a lab coat and giant foam finger