Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.

   It's kinda messed up to think that peanut butter sandwiches could take out a considerable portion of the population.

   I would save a lot of money if they made all shirts the exact same color as salsa.

   What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...

   The grass is green where you water it.

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired".

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   Well sadly,,, The irony of being a horse, is that if you lift weights for a whole year,, you will still only have 1 horsepower.. Next question

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   What's yellow and has wheels?... A banana, I lied about the wheels... Next question

   DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.

   If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.

   "Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty