Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.