Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   Young Punks,,, In my day, all we had was "Dial-A-Joke",,, and we were grateful!

   think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.

   "She's gone too far"... "She crossed the line between science & ethics"... "She's playing God"... *reaction to the amount of cheese my mom puts in an omelet

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

   Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"

   I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."

   Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.

   *Putting gas in car... $19.97... *stops..(gently).. $ 19.98... (very gently)... $19.99... *Ok, once more...(deep breath).... $37.63... GODDAMMIT

   It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.

   Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.