Baddie Funny Status Messages

   A couple of my neighbors still occassionally say Hello to me. Apparently I'm doing something wrong

   Apparently a seizure isn't a challenge to a dance-off.

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   Everything happens for a reason. For instance: You're on fire because I don't like you.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   Who's in charge of the Facebook awards this year? I have a few names to submit for the "most likely to commit bestiality" category.

   My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.

   My relationships are like fat girls. They NEVER workout.

   Not to brag but my coworkers spend alot of time hiding from me.

   Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!

   My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations you're a racist.

   Siri, when is Jesus coming back?

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.