Snotty Funny Status Messages

   ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that

   Sadly,,, If your neighbor has wind chimes you have wind chimes

   Putting sunscreen on the neighbors solar panel

   SUSAN: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective... We should split up.. . ME: Good idea,,, that way we can cover more ground

   Time is the only real enemy......* JK. It’s spiders.

   I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

   The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder...See how things can escalate quickly Susan??

   Grammar makes a difference... I punched my grandma in the face. Or.... I punched, my grandma, in t,he face...I don't know what I'm doing

   Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.

   I thought AshleyMadison was the bakery that made Zingers... Didn't they used to sponsor Charlie Brown specials?

   Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star.

   So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.

   As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.

   Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   Imagine being an adult who owns a stick that holds your phone just so you can be able to take photographs of your face.

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches