JOser Funny Status Messages

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   went to Barnes & Noble and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose...

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   In my office there's a light switch that doesn't do anything... Every so often, I turn it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Stop that!"

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

   would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...

   Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

   doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me...

   Censorship is █ very ██████ █████ in █████ ██████...

   a master at mixed martial arts and crafts...

   singing , , , , , chameleon ♫♪ ♫♪ ♫♪