Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   (ordering cake on the phone)... BAKERY: And what would you like the cake to say?... (holds hand over phone)... Honey, did we want a talking cake???

   My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice

   Asked my 4 if she'd like to take karate. She said she already does karate... *A smart person would have realized a demonstration was coming.

   By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day

   DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??

   Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles

   *Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !

   Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

   The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Dear Roger Goodell,, Please remember the counsel you surround yourself with should be assets not asshats....

   My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons