Baddie Funny Status Messages

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.

   You had me at tubes tied.

   I'm impressed with how much passive aggression a woman can pack into the letter "k."

   I'm not really interested in a one-night stand. An hour, two tops, will suffice.

   You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.

   Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.

   I came, I saw, I screamed "How the hell do I get out of here?"

   I love you weirdos. I don't care if you're not accepted by the outside world or your own families.

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."

   I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.

   Yes he's just the pizza delivery guy. But with a little chloroform & some quality time in the basement I'm positive we'll be best friends.

   Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.

   Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.

   I miss you like Michael J Fox misses soup

   Most of my relationships have been long distance on account of all of the restraining orders.

   Shout out to all the women who use their brains to get what they want. Put your pu ssy away Miss, its not a currency.

   I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!