doc noland Funny Status Messages
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One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.
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I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.
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I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.
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How come when women do it, they're "cougars," and when I do it, I'm "trespassing on school property"?
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When a woman compliments me on my looks, I assume she's ovulating or something.
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Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.
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How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?
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Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose
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i wonder when Sarah Palin is going to weigh in on this Stocky Markety Swoopsy Dowsy stuff.
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ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done!
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My couple friends just keep me around so that when they fight they can refer to me to remind them how awful & lonely it is to be single.
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"This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."
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#AmyWinehouse Cremated...emergency response team called during cremation the crowd outside heard a huge explosion and started to smell Crack
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This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.
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I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?
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Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.
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I just read that the Actor who plays Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter said he is going to become a rapper! .... can we all say Expecto Disapointmento!
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BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.
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Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.
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I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.
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