Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol

   *sees a knife for the first time..... "WHOA,,, that's the greatest thing since torn bread.."

   If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

   A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.

   I sit blindfolded. A woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix.... "Hmmmm, She marks her notes, 33 consecutive correct guesses"

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   [me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   My Uber driver almost crashed twice. 5 stars. Very exciting.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   "You gonna eat that?" My wife asks,,,, pointing to my words.

   So remember, ,, for every action,,,,, there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction

   So now that oil is so cheap,,,, maybe we should start drilling for black printer ink.

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so

   By the power vested in me... I now pronounce me going to sleep

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack