Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Actualy, I'm dying for Trump to make it to the primary so we can see all the horrible things he says about each state he loses in one by one.

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   *brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides

   My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

   Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

   Washes entire car with the squeegee at the gas pump

   What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?

   Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.

   FYI,, I'm Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad,,, but not suspicious.

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

   The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.

   A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.

   If a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first,, make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.

   Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.