Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   *Caterpillar marriage therapy... Wife: he's not the man I married...Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Susan !!!

   It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV

   Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"

   My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids

   Hey, did you know that Bruce...."He goes by Caitlyn now."... Ugh,,, fine. Did you know that Caitlyn Wayne is Batman?

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.