Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I assume people that unfollow/unfriend/delete/block me must have found Jesus.

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.

   Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

   Tell her you'll change. B*tches love change. Just ask Obama.

   Every Steven Seagal movie is 90 minutes of me looking for the remote to change the damn channel.

   The only benefit to getting up early is being the a$$hole who tells everyone how early he got up.

   I saw a gorgeous Thai woman on the subway today. I kept thinking, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection," but then she did.

   I farted in Walmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   If you're a good enough cook, fat people will let you pet them while they're eating.

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?

   If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.