Snotty Funny Status Messages

   You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.

   It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."

   *2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

   Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.

   "And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Yes, I saved my old beeper. If that technology comes back around I don't want to be paying $20 for a new one.

   NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth

   (Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line

   [Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.

   Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?

   Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy

   To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .

   I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.