Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.

   My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.

   a good woman will always forgive you when she's wrong

   "Update the force, Luke"....... *Adobe Wan Kenobi

   *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death, but my bicycle gets stuck on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.

   No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   I just want to find a radio station that isn't playing the new Adele song,,,, is that too much to ask.