Snotty Funny Status Messages
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Ummmm, yes,,, I need to return this Taylor Swift calendar.. After 4 dates, it fell apart and wrote a vicious song about me.
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11-27-2015 08:34 by snotty
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I enjoy long romantic scrolls on my phone.
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11-27-2015 08:11 by snotty
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*Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~
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11-27-2015 08:09 by snotty
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse?... How about now?,,, Better... or worse?
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11-26-2015 08:32 by snotty
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"Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."...*shakes tambourine ... "Got any others?"... *shakes tambourine... "Hmmm,,, Sounds a lot like the last one"
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11-26-2015 08:30 by snotty
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*Airplane PA.... "Arrr, this be yer cap'n speaking"... *covers microphone... [muffled] "Dangit Roger,, you have it set on autopirate again"
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11-26-2015 07:24 by snotty
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist
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11-26-2015 07:20 by snotty
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Apparently, the biatch at my wife's job was being such a biatch today because something, something,,,, we hate her.
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11-25-2015 19:19 by snotty
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It's kinda hard to believe in just 2 days,, I'll be stabbing housewives for a discounted Dyson vacuum.
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11-25-2015 18:22 by snotty
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Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really
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11-25-2015 18:01 by snotty
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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11-24-2015 18:28 by snotty
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My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering
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11-24-2015 17:29 by snotty
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So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?
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11-23-2015 18:38 by snotty
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Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.
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11-23-2015 18:24 by snotty
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Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
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11-22-2015 17:29 by snotty
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Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”
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11-22-2015 17:28 by snotty
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FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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11-22-2015 17:26 by snotty
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LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito
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11-22-2015 17:25 by snotty
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I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner dared to go as Bruce Jenner for Halloween.
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11-22-2015 17:17 by snotty
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FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.
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11-21-2015 18:57 by snotty
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