JOser Funny Status Messages

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now

   I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   Drink more beer, give a fat girl a chance...

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.

   mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

   coffee: The gasoline of life...

   I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...

   shall not waste his days in trying to prolong them.

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards

   The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?