Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole.

   “are you f cuking kidding me” - me every two seconds at work.

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   I'm relationship intolerant.

   It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

   My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

   Only fools fall in love, so today's the day!

   I'm going to get drunk white girl annoying tonight.

   It's really difficult to take your argument seriously with your extreme use of emoji's.

   Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she's still there.

   You have 3 options: (1) Kiss me. (2) I kiss you. (3) Chloroform.

   I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   Jogging, or as I like to call it running from my problems.

   Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.

   My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"

   This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal

   Not now, kids. Daddy's arguing with people on the Internet

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time.