Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   welcome to HIdDen mEssages club. please help yourself To tHE snacks By the dOor and we’ll get starteD shortlY.

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   "Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"

   "Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT

   I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR

   NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*

   You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.

   Sorry Can't....I'm Writing "Dora The" on every Ford Explorer in this mall parking lot.

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.

   All this time I thought Adele was singing about Aloe.

   Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"

   (1620).. We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm...*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse,, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.

   "Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?"... Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job... "OK"... Number 7 will shock you..."You're hired"

   One hell of a Tuba lesson today. I nailed it.... [Anne Franks last diary entry]