JOser Funny Status Messages

   has turned on Airplane mode on his Palm Pre, but so far it hasn't taken off.

   It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

   As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way...

   Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if your store caries Ancient Indian Burial Ground Test Kits...

   Monday Morning just logged me out due to inactivity...

   It rubs the iPad on its skin or else it gets the Kindle again.

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   Conan O'Brien was on 60 Minutes this weekend . Jay Leno appeared 30 minutes in to take over due to 60 minutes "losing viewers and profits."

   Monday morning is the time we go through photos from the weekend and figure out what the hell happened. I swear that goat said he had ID.

   It's so hot in here Nelly and his crew just showed up.

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   The only thing that could make this pizza better would be an s.

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   A friend in Arizona was about to roll a joint but was busted because he didn't have any papers

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.