Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.

   The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... Four to speak to a customer service representitive... Press * to hear these options again.

   Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?

   Hmmm,,, Is there any way we can get Trump in a "Truman Show" thing where he thinks he won and is president,,, and we can watch what he does?

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"

   And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?

   Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.