Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   * Throws dart... ME: Let's vacation wherever this dart lands... * Dart misses map and lands in kittylitter box... ME: OK,,, Mexico it is then

   If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me

   Do the villains in Scooby-Doo know they have the right to remain silent?

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.

   "How can I possibly be losing to this guy?"......... *every Republican presidential candidate not named Trump

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK

   When I was a kid, We were so poor the floor wasn't even lava,,, it was just kinda warm

   I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.

   Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

   Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.