JOser Funny Status Messages

   ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   I'm installing plywood doors in my house so I can karate chop them down like a badass when I enter each room.

   So I'm giving up drinking..Hard liquor..On Wednesdays..In June..Next year..(Maybe..)

   Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.

   I feel so bad for people who have $500,000,000. They can only call themselves millionaires, and yet they're still so far away from being billionaires.

   Just once I'd like to attend a formal state function and hear the butler at the top of the stairs announce Lady and Sir Mixalot.

   I'm no a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure "He started it," is a legit defense.

   I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.

   I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.

   From what I've heard, there are actaully people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn't believe it either.

   "Keep this just between you and me" is a guarantee everyone will know by the end of the day

   Job Application Tip: If asked "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" the incorrect response is, "No, I pleaded insanity."

   The 7 deadly sins? Um... male camel toe, spamming, paying by check, using ALL CAPS, bogarting, leaving the seat up

   Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Grandpa...