Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop

   Children are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective,,, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

   Corn is the ultimate in and out of body experience.

   The #Powerball is now at $1.4 BILLION.... That means you can finally stop putting off that billion dollar purchase you were thinking about.

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

   *stands up in meeting... *wipes boss's chin... Sorry, you had some nonsense coming out of your mouth... *wipes hand on pants

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" - Obi Gyn Kenobi

   Life gave me onions........ P.S. Onionade sucks.

   ... and then the Devil said,,, "Shorten all the charging wires to no more than a 3 foot length."

   The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.

   It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

   FYI: A group of meth labs is called a "Missouri."

   In the future we will type with our toes to keep our hands free for punching robots.

   So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off,, and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

   HI, MY NAME IS JOHN ITS BEEN OVER 3 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST LOWER CASE LETTER... I JUST WANT TO SAY THANKS, ITS A DAY TO DAY BATTLE, BUT I COULDNT DO IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS.

   If you ask for plastic grocery bags in Whole Foods, they put one over your head & suffocate you with it.