Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   Coffee so black,, it's boycotting the Oscars.

   "That's not what I meant".................... *men

   it, "kindergarden" or "kindergarten"?... I'm just wondering what grade level I need to start all over from.

   Hmmmm,,, Why are long underwear like 42% crotch?

   FYI,, All I did from 1988-1994,,,, was try to get the shards of Cap'n Crunch out off the roof of my mouth

   I think all the women who don't get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

   I Google-Earthed your house...... You're out of toilet paper.

   Yeah Right,, like YOU'VE never told a screaming child in 7-11 you had a surprise for him,, reached into your pocket,, and pulled out a middle finger...

   This years summer swimsuit look is going to be a little something I like to call... busted can of biscuits.

   It puts the lotion on its skin,, or it gets the eczema again.

   I Was just involved in a 'Canadian standoff....' (we were each holding the door open, insisting the other go first)

   "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

   Ha!.. More like social needia, if you ask me....... ....Please go ahead and ask me

   What's the age cutoff for bringing chicken nuggets to dinner because you don't like the food?

   If you don't star the tweet you can't have any pudding... How can you have any pudding if you don't star the tweet!

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.... *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag

   FYI: The average resident in Detroit has been murdered a minimum of 6 times