JOser Funny Status Messages

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   What's another word for word?

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   Yes, I know the muffin man, Why who wants to know?

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   Her bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that sh*t together with floss...

   white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to f*ck cuz its not my time of month"

   Ummmm, got drunk and tried to adopt a kid again...

   Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.

   Did I ever tell you about my roofer who came down with shingles?