Snotty Funny Status Messages

   How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   [knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....

   Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day

   "I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" ..."Sir, those are kids" ..."Gimme two"

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.

   To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit,, you double the number in Celsius and add thirty.. To convert someone to Mormonism,, you double the wives and add 10 kids.

   Just once I wanna see someone climbing Mt Everest with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.

   I miss the days when I was smarter than my parents.

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.