doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Jehovah's Witnesses? Please, come on in. Yes, I would LOVE to listen, but first let's talk about MY religion. Let me get the blowtorch.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   #Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.

   "And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow

   Ke$ha looks like she leaves tampons in for dangerous stretches of time.

   I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.

   Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   East Tennesseans collectively saying, "Umm so what are we supposed to do with all of these Colts jerseys and t-shirts?"

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   I feel bad for those inner city kids that are too fat to dance their way out of the hood

   You ever get so coked up you dislocate both your shoulders dancing to "Pump Up the Jam"...Oh, me either.

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   Nothing says I can't pull out like a mini van.

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   the ring of a home phone is becoming the whistle of a steam train+

   Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?