StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady

   What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.

   Before we had Facebook, we had actual friends.

   Nice guys finish last because they make sure their woman cums first. ; )

   Hey, I just met you and girl you look crazy. What brands your make up, Crayola maybe?

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

   When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

   Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.

   I forgot to buckle my 5 year old up in the car today, and while leaving the parking lot, this guy yells, "You're an irresponsible father!". I was like, "What the hell is that guy's problem? Stop the car son!"

   I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed.

   All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   . Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.