Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

   It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle.

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."

   [dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...

   [working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

   they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"

   [Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

   *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???

   Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

   Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?

   Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy