JOser Funny Status Messages

   I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...

   Canada still up there? Somebody really should check now and then.

   Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.

   There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel...

   I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted...

   Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

   I saw a sign that said "DRINK CANADA DRY" so I moved to Toronto.

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   Some day Bristol Palin will tell her child "I made $15,000 a speech telling kids how to avoid making a mistake like you!"

   When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor.

   Cyber sex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.

   just saw a commercial for the Hogwarts place at universal... so down to take shrooms and go, who's down?

   I can't help but notice the majority of People Magazine's "Never Before Seen Photos" are photos I have no desire to see at all..