Baddie Funny Status Messages

   He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.

   I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of

   My love life is so boring that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are going to make a movie about it.

   Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.

   Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry

   Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.

   My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

   It sad how some losers are giving us a minute-by-minute update on Kanye & Kim wedding. If you were that important to them I am sure they would have sent you an invite.

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   Pretty sure I'll pet an owl before I have sex again.

   I learned how to kiss from watching my dog drink from the garden hose.

   Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

   If you drink enough alcohol, stairs become an extreme sport.

   Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.

   No job is too big for me to ignore.

   Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.

   Reverse cowgirl, so you don't have to see her disappointment.