doc noland Funny Status Messages

   I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.

   My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.

   If you have eatin monkey brains right out of the skull, please brag about it

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   "Pearl Jam" is my finishing move

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   I guess "kick the bucket" will be the last think on my bucket list.

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling

   The last time I tried to just "be myself" I almost got submitted to a Mental Institute.

   If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it will just be me sitting around crying.

   I'm pretty sure my reasoning skills are defective

   It doesnt matter if I die a heros or natural death, my friends and relatives at my funeral will ask "so how much bloody alcohol was it?"

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   Why do I always want “that kind” of s*x when I know that it hurts you and that you hate it? Seems like you just answered your own question.

   Ever since that tiger mauled Siegfried's boyfriend, I think the line has been blurred between a fruit and a vegetable. Just sayin'.