Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option

   YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks

   [restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater

   ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.

   DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°

   Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.

   Me: *Nibbles first on a breast,,,, Gently kisses a thigh.... KFC Manager: Sir, please stop narrating out loud. Thank you & enjoy your chicken.

   *Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!

   Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.

   "I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle

   I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape

   Most people my age are older than me.

   My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

   When I die,, please set my smart car free in a Whole Foods parking lot

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award,,, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

   (Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"

   Oh,, and BTW... I would be the worst pharmacist ever. One for you.. One for me... One for you... Two for me... None for you... The rest for me...

   Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8