Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.

   If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.

   Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating.

   A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.

   Love isn't real until one of you is on meds.

   I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.

   my brain has too many tabs open.

   Don’t flatter yourself. I'm not attracted to you, this vodka I am drinking is.

   It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.

   How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

   I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.

   I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.

   People who say marriage is only between a man and a woman underestimate my love for pizza.

   The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.